You have a friend that just received a diagnosis that's hard to process. Maybe they confided in you directly. Maybe they shared it via text with the whole friend group. You want to help. And, you don’t know what to do. Here are some suggestions for how to orient yourself to the moment even if you don’t know exactly what comes next.
Find the ground under you first.
If the person you would normally call first at a time like this is your friend who shared the news, call upon other sources of care during the first waves of grief. There might be a time soon when you can cry with your friend and be in it together. It may be most helpful to reach out to someone who can hold the immensity of this moment with and for you, and who does not need the same support from you right now.
Protect the trust.
Your friend has invited you into the news of their diagnosis because they trust you. Let them lead the conversation about who they want to share their diagnosis with and when. It is natural to need support to make sense of what’s happening. However, practice discretion—your friend might not be ready to have the news travel.
Trust who you are as a friend.
Who you are as their friend matters more than ever. You are not expected to always say the right thing—that never happens in friendship. Whether it’s your bawdy humor, warmth, shared history, hugs, prayers, carpool organizational skills, or your knowledge of your friend’s favorite sports teams, keep bringing the singular qualities of your friendship to the moment while making space for the changes. Try to avoid platitudes like “You’re so strong” or “You’re a fighter.” While loving, they can shut down the bigness of your friend’s feelings. And unless that’s how you’ve always talked to each other, these kinds of phrases might not feel authentic to your friendship.
Trust your friend.
Act in good faith that your friend will let you know what they need, when they know it themselves. If you don’t hear from them, they may need to withdraw for a variety of reasons. You can honor their need for space by trusting that your friendship remains intact. Tend to your own feelings of hurt, rejection or sadness without pulling away in response. Holding steady in your friendship when your friend may not be able to reciprocate in the same way is undeniably hard. The simplest gestures communicate so much: send texts to remind them of your love and care without asking for information or updates. “I’m thinking of you, you don’t need to respond.” Share a specific offering that you want to give: “I’m stopping by with soup tomorrow. It’ll be at your door at 6pm. If you let it rot, I won’t be mad.” (Note: “Soup” is just a stand-in for anything that you might feel is nourishing to give, food or otherwise. Your friend might not feel up to receiving it and that is okay.)
Trust the team.
Friends can often represent chapters of our lives that never overlap except through the person at the center. In times of illness, this can result in awkward conversations as old and new friends and family make space for each other for the first time when your friend may not have energy to facilitate connections for you. You may not have known each other before and may not have anything in common now except for your shared love of your friend—this is all that is required to be on the same team. Work with other friends and family members for any practical coordination around meal trains, help with laundry, transportation, or any other tasks that can be offered without unintentionally creating a constant stream of visitors. (There are many apps and resources that can support scheduling, coordinating help, and anticipating needs such Lotsa Helping Hands or Caring Bridge.)
Trust your grief.
Friends can be our chosen family, sometimes holding stronger bonds for us than the families we grew up with. However, it may not feel culturally acceptable to express the depth of our grief because we are not family. This is a form of “disenfranchised grief,” a type of grief that is not acknowledged or validated. This lack of recognition can leave people feeling isolated and deepen their sense of loss. Your grief is not too big or too much. Find other friends and family who can buoy you during these difficult times. Or, explore your feelings of grief in the Mettle community or by exploring our resources on how to think about grief.
