It is a profound and at times heartbreaking paradox to care for someone with dementia: you are sitting across from the person you have known for decades, while simultaneously learning how to relate to a mind that is constantly changing. The grief of losing who they were happens while you are actively caring for who they are right now.
Drawing on the practical wisdom of dementia educators like Teepa Snow, alongside Mettle’s core belief in accommodating reality rather than fighting it, here are seven experiments for relating to your person. These are not rules to follow perfectly. They are gentle shifts in approach to try when you feel stuck or exhausted.
1. “Working With Their Reality”
When your person says something factually incorrect (like asking for a parent who passed away years ago), our instinct is often to gently correct them based on our shared history. However, correcting them can cause distress if they cannot make sense of or remember what you are explaining.
2. Dropping “The Quiz”
We naturally try to bridge the gap between past and present by asking, "Do you remember when we went to that restaurant?" or "What did you have for lunch?" Open-ended questions about the past or too many choices at once can be tiring or cause anxiety.
3. Translating Behavior into Unmet Needs
When someone acts out of character from the person you’ve known—perhaps becoming suddenly angry or resistant—it can feel like they are disappearing. Sometimes, their behavior is a new form of communication.
4. The “Strategic Apology”
Teepa Snow often teaches the power of “Saying I'm Sorry” as a tool for connection. When your loved one is upset and blaming you for something you didn't do (like stealing a misplaced item), defending yourself usually escalates the tension.
5. “Is This Really a Problem?”
Pause: Caregiving requires so much management that we can easily fall into the habit of trying to control every detail. If they want to wear a winter coat in the house or eat dessert before dinner, our instinct might be to fix it.
6. Sensory Connection
When language falters and shared memories fade, the cognitive connection you used to rely on might feel thin. Familiar music, tastes, and touch may still offer ways to connect.
7. Your Grief is Real
You do not have to pretend this isn't profoundly hard. You are allowed to mourn the relationship you used to have, even as you show up with deep care for the person in front of you today.
